Retrospection
by Fantony
Summary: Cold Oak. A delapitated room. A devastated Dean, who is left with nothing but memories...  ONE SHOT


**Disclaimer:** If Sam and Dean were mine, I wouldn't be here posting fanfictions about them, believe me! :-D

**Note:** All the pronouns in italic in the text refer to Dean. Just so that you're not too confused.

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes! Sorry! **_

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**RETROSPECTION.**

Flames are dancing before _his_ eyes. _He_ usually loves fire. There's something so magical about it. All those shades of red and yellow. The wonderful scent of roasted marshmallows on summer evenings. The comforting heat of the chimney during winter. But this time, it's different. Those flames have just deprived _him_ of _his_ mother. Deprived him of _his_ innocence. Deprived _him_ of _his_ childhood. Far too soon. Sam is six months. _He_ holds him tight in _his_ arms. So tight it looks as though _he_'ll never let him go. It is _his_ job to look after him, now.

Sam is five and he keeps asking more and more questions. But he's still so young. _He_ hates to lie to him, but _he_ just wants to protect him. There's no need for a second child to lose his innocence. Not yet. There will be a time when Sam learns the truth, but for now, _he_ just wants to make Sam's childhood as normal as possible. _He_ lends him _his_ old toys, _he_ teaches him to make paper planes, _he_ watches _Thundercats_ with him and _he_ shares his cotton-candy with him at the funfair. Sam's smiles make _him_ forget everything. About all the dark things _he_ would have rather never learned of.

Some motel in Wisconsin. Sam is about six now, and he has eaten all the Lucky Charms. _He_ didn't even get a chance to eat a few of them. But it doesn't matter, _he_ loves Sam a billion times more than Lucky Charms. Still, that night, _he_ disobeys their father, and leaves Sam alone in the motel room to go and play videogames outside. Sam's nearly been attacked by a shtriga. Of course, that disappointed look on their father's face is like a stab in the heart, but it's nothing compared to the thought Sam could have died because of _him_. _He_'ll never forgive himself.

Sam is eight. It is Christmas, and he has just discovered their father has lied about their mother, and about his occupation. And he's not even there with them for Christmas. Sam feels betrayed. Angry. Furious. That's why he gives _him_ the present he was supposed to give to their Dad. _He_ doesn't want it at first. But Sam is a stubborn kid, and _he_ has to surrender. _He_ can never say 'no' to Sam, anyway. It is a necklace. With a weird pendant. _He_ has no idea what it is. Some kind of humanoid head with bull-like horns. Objectively, it's rather ugly, but still, it's the greatest gift _he_'s ever been given. Because it comes from Sam. From now on, that necklace is _his_ most precious possession.

Years have passed. Sam is eighteen and he is as wild as a storm. He yearns for freedom. For normality. He's had another row with their dad. A decisive one. _He_ tries to make him change his mind. To convince him normality is overrated. But Sam still is a stubborn kid. His decision is irreversible. He's leaving. For Stanford University. _He_ feels like _he_'s lost half of himself. _He_ feels empty, but there's nothing he can do about this. As much as _he_ hates to admit it, _he_ knows that Sam will definitely be happier that way, and that's all that matters. _He_ wishes _he_ had the guts to do the same, but _he_ must stick to their father, help him find the demon that ruined their family life. And the truth is that _he_ wouldn't want another life. Contrary to Sam, normality scares _him_. Sure, many times _he_ has tried to imagine what it would be like to get married, have kids. A family. But _he_ can't refrain from hunting. It flows through _his_ veins.

Sam is twenty-two. _He_ hadn't seen him for a long time, too long, and _he_ has to face it. _His_ little brother is a full grown-up now. As expecting, he did well at university. He is a senior at Stanford, and is applying for law school. And God, his girlfriend is pretty hot. Despite the bitterness _he_ still feels, _he_ can't help but being proud of _his_ Sammy. That makes _him_ feel even more guilty to come along and ruin Sam's chance to live a normal existence. Yes, it is selfish. There was a time when _he_ was just dreaming to offer Sam a better life, and now _he_ messes everything up. But their dad is missing, and _he_ is scared, and _he_ just can't go looking for him on his own. _He_ needs Sam. _He_ has missed him so much, and it feels so good to be on the roads again with him. They have to make up for lost time.

Sam is twenty-three now. He is sleeping peacefully. _He_ usually loves to watch him sleep. There's something relaxing about it. Whenever _he_ can't sleep at night, _he_ secretly watches Sam sleep and for some reason, it calms _him_ down. But this time, it's different. Because Sam will never wake up. His eyes will never open up again. The red stain keeps spreading. Sam's blood. Sam is gone. Just like their mum. Just like their dad. _He_ is all alone now, and _he_ just doesn't know what _he_ is supposed to do. _His_ thoughts wander. Memories of their childhood. Memories of their time together on the roads. All those miles they covered. Through the sand of Arizona. Through the snow in Michigan. A tear runs down _his_ face. It tastes of salt and whisky. That damned Whisky which doesn't help at all to ease the pain. It was _his_ job to look after Sam and _he_'s just screwed it up. _He_ has lost everything. _He_ doesn't even feel like it's worth living anymore. So now _he_ knows what _he_ is supposed to do. Because _he_ can't let him go. _He_ buries the box at the nearest crossroads and _he_ makes the deal. It doesn't matter _he_ only got one year. As long as Sam is concerned, nothing matters.

Sam is still twenty-three. He is not asleep anymore, and he doesn't remember well what happened. It has worked, and seeing Sam again is worth all the sacrifices. _He_ holds him tight in his arms. So tight it looks as though _he_'ll never let him go...

"Ouch! Dean!"

The excruciating pain Sam feels in his back will soon be a bad memory. It has to.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm just... I'm happy to see you up and around, that's all..."

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_**Thanks for reading! :)**_


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